During a recent lunch with campaign supporters, President Barack Obama complained people make a big deal out of Mother’s Day. President Obama stated,
There was one year I got a tie or something, and I said why is it everybody makes a big deal about Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day seems to be the forgotten holiday?”
Upset by the long-standing inequities between the two holidays, the President announced he will sign an executive order repealing Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day was first celebrated in 1908. It was passed into law, six years later in 1914, by President Woodrow Wilson.
Although the first Father’s Day was celebrated in 1910, it didn’t become law until 62 years later by President Richard Nixon in 1972. The President pointed out how the 58 years between the official establishment of these holidays negatively impacted fathers ability to compete fairly with mothers. This unfairness in turn adversely affected the quality of gifts received by dads.
To reinforce his point President Obama shared how last year he received a “World’s Best Dad and President” t-shirt for last year’s Father’s Day when he was really hoping to receive something that would improve his golf game.
Well aware of the strong resistance he may encounter with what might be considered an arbitrary move to end Mother’s Day, the President asserted the inequities between the holiday’s were neglected by the past presidential administrations since 1910. In a surprise to the democratic attendees, President Obama fingered President George Bush’s administration as the biggest offender. President Obama stated the holiday will be eliminated in three phases beginning with Mother’s Day 2013.
- Phase I: According to the Greeting Card Association, Mother’s Day is reported as the third-largest card sending occasion of the year right behind Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Father’s Day comes in fourth, tied with Easter. Also, according to National Geographic News, only 50% of all Father’s Day cards are purchased exclusively for fathers, while 15% are purchased for husbands. Other card recipients include grandfathers, sons, brothers, uncles and father figures.
The Greeting Card Association will be requested to reduce the number of printed Mother’s Day cards over a three-year period reaching zero by 2016. The first year cards will continue to have, “Happy Mother’s Day,” the second year, “Alright it’s Mother’s Day,” and in the final year cards will just be printed with “Mo Day.”
The President confidently remarked how the planned phase out will maintain his popularity with mothers during this Fall’s election. When asked about eCards, the President shared how current citizen surveillance and monitoring will be expanded to include Mother’s Day eCards.
Also to ensure Father’s Day cards only go to fathers, the President cited a new policy referred to as, “Ask and You Better Tell.” Buyers of cards will be asked to identify who their Father Day’s card is going to. The provided name will be crossed checked against the national Father’s List, a secret list compiled by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS). DHS would not comment on the criteria used to build the list, but rumor has it everyone who ate dinner with the President will be on it.
If the name is on the list, the person will be allowed to purchase the card. Sanctions for individuals sending their cards to someone other than a father will include a week’s worth of TSA’s enhanced pat downs and community service in downtown Chicago.
- Phase II: According to a 2010 study by VIP Communications, the call volumes on Mother’s Day were the highest of the year, worldwide. Calls on Mother’s Day experienced a 37% increase while those on Father’s Day experienced a modest 23% increase.
To address this inequity, future phone calls to mother’s the week prior to and week after Mother’s Day will be monitored. FBI and NSA surveillance assets will be programmed to identify key words like, “Happy Mother’s Day,” “I love you, Mom,” and “Sorry Mom my gift’s going to be a little late.” Upon intercept of key words, the call will be redirected to a random father off the national Father’s List. President Obama proudly stated this will ensure, “No Dad is Left Behind.”
Redirected callers will be given a script which includes phases like, “You’re a great Dad,” “Happy Father’s Day in advance,” and “I love you Dad.” Scripts will be tailored to the particular Father’s ethnic or racial group. For example, an inner city father may receive a message, “Dad you de bomb” or “Dad, I hope your Father’s Day is dope.” FBI and DEA resources will be instructed to ignore words like “de bomb, ” “bad,” or “dope” in this context.
- Phase III: The support of the American Restaurant Association will be enlisted to ensure the elimination of Mother’s Day buffets. Recognizing the possibility families may act in defiance by taking their mother out to eat at a regular buffets. Restaurant owners will be provided with names from the national Mother’s list. If a women’s name is on this list, she will be refused admittance.
As a preview of future legislation, restaurants cooperating with this initiative will be offered high fructose corn syrup drink licenses and sugary, high fat and no caloric value food licenses. The definition of mother’s includes biological mothers, adoptive mothers, grandmother’s, and stepmother’s. Although admittedly, stepmothers are expected to be left home and neglected anyway they were included to,”avoid appearances of favoritism.”
In his concluding remarks, the President stated his plan is eventually to reinstate Mother’s Day after 62 years have passed. According to the President, the passage of 62 years should allow Father’s Day to catch up with the current popularity of Mother’s Day. The audience applauded how this forward looking strategy will provide hope to fathers and change to mothers.
When asked what if Mother’s Day is forgotten altogether and the sitting president forgets about reinstating Mother’s Day. President Obama privately acknowledged his expectation to remain in office another 30 years, but his hand picked successor will have responsibility for reinstituting Mother’s Day.
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